Congress Legalizes Steroids

Washington, DC – Congress stunned the sporting community Tuesday, announcing that steroids are now legal in the sport of baseball.

"We've been looking at baseball's problems for some time," said Congressman Thomas Delaney, R-Delaware.  "Frankly, these idiots couldn't fix a sandwich, nevermind a sport.  We have better things to do, like stopping gay marriage, immigration and some shenanigans overseas.  Besides, who doesn't love the long ball?"

Baseball has been reeling since the publication of the Mitchell report, a Major League Baseball funded investigation into steroid use in the sport.  Since it’s release, steroids have been at the center of sports news.

“It’s kind of like the prohibition,” continued Congressman Delaney.  “Making alcohol illegal turned the people crazy.  Turns out, baseball players are kind of like alcoholics when it comes to performance enhancing drugs.”

But steroids won’t be legal in every sport.  Only baseball.

“Football has been dealing with steroids for years and nobody cares,” said Delaney.  “They send their suspended players to the Pro Bowl.  No kids are watching the Pro Bowl.”

“The NBA has it’s own problems.”

Sharp criticism has been levied against Congress, saying the decision is reckless and sends the wrong message to children.  Democrat Senator Judith Rumsackle disagrees.

“What we’ve seen over the last few years is a real shift in the country’s perspective.  The post Iraq backlash against Americana now favors rock musicians selling out to commercials and tabloid stars who can’t even act.  Heck, Transformers did huge business at the box office this summer.  You don’t see the correlation?”

On the campaign trail, comments were mum except for Rudy Guiliani, who proclaimed he said no to steroids between 9 and 11 times.

The decision to legalize steroids came during the sixth hour of testimony from Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, sparking controversy as to whether Congress was trying to upstage baseball's cherished annual appearance  in Washington.

"The timing of the announcement was unfortunate," said Selig.  "This is baseball's biggest stage besides the World Series.  That a Congressman would attempt to upstage that is insulting to the game."

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